“For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.”
It’s late. I had a 5 hour energy at 11:30am, and this is what happens. But I guess in a sense, it’s a good and purposeful thing because I’m at an important place right now. I have this oddly unwavering insecurity that my life will be meaningless, and at least for me, it’s a loathsome thought. Somewhere over the years, I think I’ve been able to, at the very least subconsciously, convince myself that if somehow I could impact someone’s life in a meaningful way, and if somehow someone’s life could be tangibly better because I was there, then in some strange way it would all be worth it. The years of stress, the countless hours of studying, and the hundreds of thousands of dollars, would somehow ascribe purpose to I guess what’s currently an empty directionless canvass, and that ultimately it would all be worth it.
You know, talk is cheap. I can talk my ass off and tell anyone exactly what they want to hear without skipping a beat. But I guess it’s just one of the many things that make Jesus incredible. He cuts through all my bullshit. Cuts through all of it with one sentence.
I remember in my sophomore year, I was convinced that if God had called me to, I would move to the dirtiest village in the dirtiest country in the world and be a janitor or a mud wrestler or whatever else there (even with my sensitive sense of smell and even though I would’ve probably died within the first year), I would’ve gone and done it.
I’m convinced that there’s something precious there. I’m becoming convinced that there’s only so much happiness in doing what you think is important, and you’ll only get so far allowing your heart lead you to your dreams. The real joy is in obedience, even for an ostensible vagabond like me.